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Grandparenting

family lettersThis is a mock letter which represents the feelings expressed to me by many parents whose adult daughters are unmarried and in their thirties.

 

Dear Daughter,

It’s not about you, it’s about me! I want to be a grandma. I know there are other ways to do it.

I could ask my neighbor if I could substitute for her parents who live across the country, and I do—but it’s not the same.

I could volunteer to hold sick babies at the hospital, but it’s not the same.

I could become a foster grandparent, but it’s not the same.

If you become a mom you will understand me better and forgive my imperfections, because you too will be an imperfect mom. Maybe you or the baby will need what I have to offer . . . love and support. Now I often feel you reject that in the name of independence.

Yes I would like to see you married. Not just to make a baby. In fact, sometimes in my loneliest hours, I think: “maybe it would be OK if you make a baby with technology.” I not only want a grandchild, but I want you to understand me, and I want to live on.

I am feeling vulnerable as I see my friends get sick I want to know you have someone to care for you. I still feel responsibility for you. I want to share that.

My development is arrested, I can’t move on to the next stage of life—the grandparenting stage—because, as in utero, our lives are still attached.

I love you as only you will only understand when you have a child.

Wanting the Best for You,

Mom

 

While you may think that we need to wait for others to make us grandparents, we can emotionally or legally adopt our own grandchildren. We can use our grandparenting skills by mentoring others, by volunteering, and by fostering. It may not be the same as being a biological grandparent, but it comes with its own deep bonds and joy.  

By Ruth Nemzoff

Author and Speaker: Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships with Your Adult Children

Don’t Roll Your Eyes: Making In-Laws Into Family

Resident Scholar

Brandeis Women’s Studies Research Center
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Nannies versus Granniesby Ruth Nemzoff via SitterCycle

May 6, 2014—As much as grandparents might hate to admit it, nannies may actually be more crucial to the family’s well-being than they are. Parents cannot get to work, and therefore can’t keep their jobs, without a reliable nanny who keeps their children safe. The nanny is holding up the house of cards for working familes with young children.

In Hong Kong, nannies try to avoid jobs where the grandmother lives with the family: too much conflict, too much overseeing. For American grandparents who fly in or visit their grandchildren sporadically—or even regularly—the relationship with the nanny can also be tricky. Unless the grandparent is the full time caretaker of the children, the parents are dependent on the nanny for the welfare of their family.

Grandparents often find it difficult to admit that they don’t want to be full time caretakers. Many grandparents feel they have done their time and want to enjoy the freedom that they have earned.  Others can’t take on this responsibility because they are also working, or are geographically distant. The may not have anticipated the result that some stranger (non-family member) may take precedence over them in the lives of their grandchildren.  This in turn can cause upset when a child prefers the nanny’s company and comfort over that of the grandparents.

By the same token, when the children run to their grandparents, the nanny may feel a tinge of jealousy, or that they are declaring she is not a loving caregiver.  These antithetical and common emotions complicate the relationship between grannies and nannies. Yet, if managed carefully, the nanny and the grandparents can be valuable resources for each other.

The grandparent is a visitor in his or her child’s home. It might be hard for the grandparent to admit that this is their child’s castle, not their own. The roles are now reversed. The parents and the nanny rule the roost, and the grandparents are an addition.

Here are some tips to creating a good relationship between the nanny and grandparents:

  • When grandparents do enter the scene they should be careful not to disrupt the routine. Ask the nanny how they can be helpful. It is important to build trust with the nanny.  Remember, for the nanny this is her job, her income, she may be supporting her family and therefore it is very threatening to have a third party seeing her every move. To the nanny, the grandparents’ loving presence may feel like a human “Nanny Cam.”
  • If the grandparents want to get along with the parents they must get along with the nanny. Kindness and polite gestures are always a good beginning. Bringing the nanny a small gift, or sending a holiday card or email can help smooth the relationship. The nanny can make the grandmother’s favorite food or ask her to help with an activity she enjoys.
  • The nanny should stay out of family conflicts. She can be a sounding board but should not attempt to intervene or comment. Family relationships are complex and rarely understandable to an outsider.
  • Like any good guest, a grandparent should not criticize the nanny if a disagreement arises with the nanny’s methods. Perhaps she props the baby’s bottle and the grandparent finds this intolerable. Grandparents should discuss these concerns with the parents. The nanny may have good reason for her actions. The child may have reflux, or perhaps she needed to both feed the baby and chase the toddler.  The nanny can be helpful in these circumstances by talking aloud about what she is doing and why.
  • The grandparent can offer assistance and can help if the offer is well received, but is not the master of the house. The nanny should give clear and specific instructions to the grandparents about how they can be helpful, this will lessen tension.
  • Grandparents and the nanny should be open to discussions about changes in parenting trends and the environment.  The more the grandparent understands the parameters of the family environment, the more s/he can be a person the nanny might want to consult. For example, while the grandmother may have limited her children’s’ TV time, the parent and nanny are managing a much more diverse array of screens and their potential dangers. Nannies and grandparents can discuss these issues, but not dispute each other’s opinions.

Adults will differ on what they consider the best way to navigate any child-rearing issue. None of us knows the absolute best way to bring up a child. Everyone makes frequent decisions on the continuum between discipline and mercy, between routine and spontaneity, and between keeping the peace for the moment and teaching a lesson for the future.

Nannies and grandparents must use sensitivity and put themselves in each other’s places. Both are supporting actors and essential to the wellbeing of the children. The grandparents will do well to assure that they are not villains who enter, take center stage, create turmoil and leave. The nanny, like all good actresses, must play her part but leave room on the stage for the grandparents as well.

 

WhoDecides1Parents and grandparents are often confused about their roles. The conventional wisdom for grandparents is “Do not give unsolicited advice. Do not interfere.”

 When grandparents babysit, the parents expect them to follow the parents’ rules. However, as any good boss knows, when delegating a task you get the best results when you also delegate responsibility. Interacting with babies and children does not always follow a script. Events happen; moods change. The variables are not constant. If a babysitter, whether they are a grandparent or a hired person, is to do a good job, they have to have leeway to use their judgment. Too often, parents rage at the grandparents if they do not follow their directions to the letter, when in fact what parents should want is their parents to follow the spirit of their advice. Thus, if a parent says “no TV,” for example, the grandparents should honor that. However, should the grandparent become hurt physically or perhaps if the child is hurt, it might be necessary to assure the child’s safety by allowing some carefully-chosen TV for a short while.

 When I was rearing children, the conventional wisdom was that playpens were bad. However, when one of my toddlers hurt themselves, I would plunk the baby in the playpen to assure his or her safety. Asking grandparents to leave their judgment at the door when they babysit is a waste of resources.

 On the other hand, sometimes studies bring new knowledge that grandparents do need to follow religiously. It is not enough for grandparents to say “In my day . . .” Not everything from their days as parents still applies.

 For example, in the past, parents were told to put babies to sleep on their stomachs. Studies seem to show now that putting babies to bed on their backs reduces the incidents of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Clearly, anything anyone can do to reduce the incidents of SIDS should be done, whether by grandparents or parents.

 Often, however, the studies about childrearing enter the public arena in a very condensed form. For example, we hear that screen time is terrible for children and will fry their brains. But when you read the studies, they are actually more nuanced. Long stretches of screen time may result in problems, but a minute here or there to calm a child has not been proven to be damaging. Also, television as an interactive activity that leads to learning and discussion can actually be beneficial to small children.

 While parents need to respect grandparents’ judgment, grandparents must also recognize that their children have 24/7 responsibility for the grandchildren. Therefore, the parents are the “deciders.” It seems simple, but all human relationships are complex. They need understanding, discussion and guidelines, not rigid rules. Besides, parents and grandparents model good communication skills for the grandchildren when they respect each other enough to try to understand each other’s behaviors.